flying aimlessly, yet in the right direction

how is it possible for one to prefer and enjoy solitude, but feel so lonely?
i love being alone with my headphones covering my ears, music invading my soul, and my hands nimble upon my artwork. my heart soars and my smile greatens.
yet, my core aches for eyes to look into.. in between sanding, in between brush strokes, in between singing, in between all that i am creating.
and it is not just for anyone.. it is for someone very special, and potentially close to me.
i look at my dexterous phallanges, and dream of one of my hands gripping another hand that is warm and right.

..in the meantime, i shake it off. and i keep progressing with my solo act of ultimate destiny and ecstasy.

wide-eyed, looking up, cute pout agape, heart pounding, messy hair, and arms flying...

maybe none of this makes sense to anyone, but it sure does to me.

no fear, just creation

i show no fear of anything.
all that is potential heartache, all that is predicted pain, i embrace.
suffering is not something i enjoy; however, if it is possible for me to revel and remain in pure bliss, then the risk is worth it to me.
if anything, i always have a santuary to retreat to.
and that is my creations- everything i imagine, sketch, paint, burn, build, etc.
this is how i will always live forever, no matter what.
i just desire someone to share it all with, that's all.

my future.

green irises, and pupils enlarged, i know my new plan for me.
brick wall, the sound of traffic, paint supplies and tools everywhere.
bottlecaps on the ceiling.
works of art all over my walls.
headphones over my ears, while i paint my soul on every surface ever.
pigtails flying, while i am flying.
practicing electric guitar.
meeting new creatures all the time.
galleries and unique food.
sensory overload.
imagination station.
i am there already.

i feel everything

rebel.
running.
afraid.
yearning.
breathless.
flying.
confident.
indifferent.
melting.
held.
rising.
alone.
metaphysics.
existentialism.
love.
neglect.
everything.

i feel everything.

just the beginning, really.

all with headphones over ears.
music soothing me.

malfunctioning

creeped through the screeching, metal door, to the outside.
the skies so blue today, and the fluttering birds harmonious in sound.
i step lightly and with rhythm, to the beat of my battered heart.
there are various lights and sounds, some intense.
my eyes and ears embracing it all.
familiar, smiling faces greet me, and i give my usual teethy grin.
hugs bestowed, stories exchanged.
yet, in the back of my mind, tucked away, you're there.
and i wish you were in front of me, being the one i was clasping tightly.
for a moment, my expression appears lost, and i am questioned for my glassy daze..
jolted, i shrug, and say it's nothing.
just wondering if we thought of each other at the same time today.

kiddo is programmed

envisioning myself out of this place, messy hair and eyes huge like tea cups, my tiny pout lowered in awe, chin raised in ecstasy.
lights aglow and everything is fresh.
i am in a new world.
stepping in a march, happily and free. i am where i belong.
this is the dream that enwraps me everyday with eurphoria.
however, i cannot help but imagine that i will be captively saved from it..
maybe, i secretly desire to be rescued from the journey.
it is possible that i crave a different adventure than before.
only the days passing will tell.
and only my ever-changing soul will tell.
i gazed into eyes that may change everything..
maybe, maybe not.
cyborg girl is programmed to do what is best for her future.

headphones on, head bopping, paint brush rhythmic in motion, i do not care what happens.

kiddo & connective soul

i do not want to be in love with anyone.
why?
because.. it results in being out of love.
just want to fall, and fall.. and fall...
through the clouds.. and dreams.
the gliding touch of a man's hand on my delicate face..
fingers running through my hair..
tight embrace...
all of it, for the first time..
their glassy eyes fixed on me..
soft lips on my skin..
no need for complication of the future.
only the here and now..
our hands will collide..
then separate..
longing for each other..
in a other world.

K I D D O & D R E A M S

this morning, i fed my cats; and i went back to bed to have the craziest series of dreams.

i will not reveal all that i dreamt...

however, the short film of dreams consisted of:

being at a lively social gathering, on top of a stone building..

we looked up at the night sky..and the most surreal and magical meteor shower began..
we ran to the edge of the building..

our eyes were open wide, awestruck..
all was romantic.

i felt like i was in greece.. with all the stone, marble, and sculptures..

included in this sequence of dreams was lucid dreams, with layers..

the scenery was the house i grew up in when i was very young..

i knew i was dreaming.. and i awoke in a dream...

HOWEVER, when i awoke in the dream, it was then that i did not know i was dreaming, because it seemed so real.

this occurred a couple more times, thereafter.

when i officially awoke, i had to grip my sheets and bed several times to convince myself.. that this was all real life.

i touched my face.

...i believed it felt real. it was.

i reflected on all the events i dreamt about all day.. as they faded away.. as all dreams eventually do.

kiddo's earthling parents

sometimes i wonder if i really had actual parents.
you know, legitimate caretakers of their offspring.
was that real?
to this day, i am puzzled.
i am nothing like these human creatures.
and i feel like we are strangers, yet i love them.
were they faking this whole time?
do they know the facts about where i am from, but failed to reveal the truth?
they kind of look at me oddly, as if i were adopted.
...it all makes sense now.
they love me to death, but i am not theirs.
however, they are fascinated with my rebellion against their planet.
i still love my earthling parents.
very much.
..and i know they cherish me in an unorthodox style.

i wish i could say i knew my real parents.. but i do not.
so, i love the ones i do know. colossally.

my superpowers are fading here

on my home planet, i was a painter by day, and a super-hero by night.

since i came to earth, being a super-hero is more difficult than ever before.
earthlings do not want to be saved. they have too much pride.

also, my vision is so impaired on this planet. without prescriptive lenses, i cannot focus on objects here.
(positive note: lights in the dark appear as fireworks and snowflakes)..

at any rate, i reach out to these creatures here on earth, and they fear my earnest attempts to save them, as they retract their plea.

..i am puzzled, and retreat myself, heart-broken because i failed to rescue their hearts.

and while all this is going on, during my time here, i wonder.. while i am trying to save everyone, ..who the fuck is saving me?

for my autobiography

"your eyes, the way you see life and beauty. your painting. you just take me away to this magical place.

not just when i talk to you, but even when i think about you. it brings me to a warm, happy place, and makes me smile."

-anonymous for now...

going to be a quote in my autobiography one day.

kiddo vs earthling boys

earthling, human boys gaze into extra-terrestrial kiddo's eyes.
they are stunned by the piercing gaze that unleashes sharp greens, golds, and burnt sienna, encircled by a gray-blue glow..
their jaw drops, and they quiver..
i grip them tightly, their blood drawing, then enclose them in my seducing manner.
they are mine, no escape.
i am a vampire from outer space.
my lil' pout softly touches earthling's lips..
we are lost in a moment of bliss, kissing, eyes closed...
alien girl likes human boys...

rock music in the background..

FALLING

i wrote this 2 years ago.. and feel it now, still....

falling

Submitted by j3nk1dd0 on Thu, 10/14/2010 - 16:09

"i hate being in love.
on the other hand, i completely enjoy falling in love.
i am addicted to that absolute rush and thrill of falling into infatuation.
i never want to land; i just want to remain forever falling.
whenever i land, everything changes; it all starts to unravel and tear apart.
my desire is to stay falling, surrounded by the excitement i feel when i meet a new person who connects with me like most people cannot.
i want to fall with you forever."

i am myself

someone close to me, someone who appreciates me told me..

that this is why i am awesome:

i naturally hold onto my child-like mannerisms..

the way i speak
the wild gaze in my eyes..
my animated stance when i drink from sport bottle..
any reaction i have to everything..

i couldn't believe this.

whatever i am, however i am....
i swear, i am just myself, and nothing else.

all i believe in is this:
-learning as much as possible, through being accepting and open-minded
-being a good person, no matter what, to everyone.
    .....i want to help anyone i can along the way, as i learn. we can learn together.

what kiddo lives for

what i live for..
mostly, adventure.
without adventure, what excitement is there?
i crave unusual experiences that completely put me out of my element.
the uncertainty of an outcome thrills me.
the ideas of comfort and familiarity scare me.
japan will give me the roller coaster ride i have been waiting for.
there, i will exercise art and music at its full capacity..
i want to meet new individuals and revel in a world where imagination and creativity rocket through my soul, and influence all around me.

Reveling in the Journey

will i ever make it there?
this is what i ask myself everyday.
yet, i know the answer.
anyone who tries to stop me will, unfortunately, be crushed along the way.
i have to, in order to save myself.
my mission is true, and my mission is prophetic.
everyone will remain in my heart when i embark my journey, and when i reach my destination.
please don't forget about me.

Kiddo's Dreams

Lucid dreams.
I recently watched a film revolving around the concept of lucid dreams.
perhaps, with training, i could accomplish this scientific phenomenon.
will i be able to be aware that i am dreaming, and be able to control what is happening?
if so, i want to be able to be in Japan with my cat Yoda, and exploring.

but, this will not just be a dream.
this will be reality one day.
as you wait for it, i plan for it.

Kiddo the Expat

It is blueprinted.
Kiddo has a plan, a scheme to become an expat and depart the states for Japan.
No one can convince me otherwise, nor can anything change my mind.
I have felt this in my heart for a very, very long time.
And it hit me, like a bolt of lightning, what the fuck am i waiting for?
So, here and now, immediately, I refuse to pay student loans.
I fucking refuse.
The extra money will be used to get the hell out of america, and live my dreams:
as a sketching, painting, expat living in Japan, teaching English and being emancipated from everything that is boring and smothering.
goal is October 2013.
Root for me!

-Kiddo

Japan & Kiddo

my eyes are set on the prize.
i aim to live in a foreign country.
america is not for me.
i know japan is expensive and cluttered with rubble..
but, that is where i need to be.
japan is my home, and my homesickness is killing me..
i'm going there, one way or another.

a personal view

i do not believe in marriage.

call me neo-contemporary, but it is so unappealing to me (more than 50% of marriages end in divorce now).

the commercialization, the showing-off, the unnecessary act of publicly exposing that you will never be with anyone else.

i know who i love, and i do not need the security of a ceremony and legal papers to set that in stone.

perhaps, it is to celebrate the union of two people..

but, really, i celebrate that everyday..

yeah, yeah, yeah.. there are tax benefits to being married..but, what do i care?

i'm migrating out of the U.S. asap (considering Norway)..

i decline marriage and the ceremony of a wedding. this is my personal choice.

however, i definitely want a lil' kiddo one day..

a mini me to introduce to creativity and imagination, to be the best that he/she can be.

that is what i want. <3 

electric kiddo

i know, deep down in my soul, if i was not a painter, i would be in a rock band.

probably lead guitarist.

if i was not a dedicated painter, i would have poured myself into electric guitar.

maybe i would have been more well off.

but, i guess the music will just have to radiate within me, and give me a powerful force towards my paintings.

however, i will ALWAYS dream of being an active band member.

when i fool around on my electric guitar at home, i feel so damn cool.

i love electric guitar. it feeds me.

with no obstacles (finances mostly, and time), this is what i see myself doing:
-being lead guitarist in a sexy, badass rockband
-showing my paintings internationally
-publishing a book of poems based upon real experiences and feelings
-voice-acting in an anime show/film
-living/residing in an awesome country (not the U.S.) ...i shall do research for the best country for this Kiddo
  (to make art, create many things, and raise a tiny kiddo to be more awesome than me)..

PLANS, not dreams

i am young, but not that young.

anonymous: "where do you see yourself 10 years from now?"

dazed expression upon my face, as if i am at the crossroads of life.

me: "ideally? or realistically?"

anonymous: "let's say both."

me: "ideally, i see myself living in a different country, preferably a country in Europe. i see myself as a professional, international painter, who has shown her work in cities all over the world. i see myself to have stories, photographs, and memories from various travels to European and Japanese cities. i see myself more free than i have ever been.
realistically, i'm going to say that i see the same thing."

will i be alone or together with someone when i get there?
that, i do not know.
the important thing, however, is that i get there.

to get there, i need to kick my fighting spirit into full gear, and not let anything pull me back.
no marriage.
no kids.
no corporate american job.

please step aside, i'm out of here.

inside kiddo heart

my vessel and being is based almost entirely on emotion.
of course, intelligent thought is fully present; however, emotion appears to be dominant.
i feel emotion in everything.
..especially in such things as music. film. poetry. and art.
i'm a sucker for sad things.
not too sure why. perhaps, i relate too much.
i also find sad things to be so beautiful.
like a dark haired girl, alone in the rain, holding a single red rose.
something like that.
and piano music.
i love the serenity and solemness it can imply..

i'm also a hopeless romantic.
..even though i do not show it very much.
i have always thought of the most romantic thing to be:
2 long lost loves who find each other in places like london, paris, or tokyo.
and it has been so long; and they hold each other tightly, and kiss each other, as the city lights create a glowing silhouette of the reunited duo.

these are things that get me.
and i love it.

New Year's Resolutions

some believe it to be important and/or useful to make new year's resolutions. i am one of them.

i see it as an official, declarative way to make some life-changing and self-improving goals.

The only tricky part is staying accountable, and sticking with the goals and plans laid out. 

here is what i have thought of:

1. make at least 2 new pieces of artwork each week. (i figure the larger the portfolio, the better)

2. find and apply/participate in as many indie craft shows as possible (selling prints, and ultimately gaining more exposure with each show)

3. hang around more inspiring peeps- those who inspire me more in art, life, and philosophies (i expect this to keep me motivated and excited to keep making more art, and establish healthy friendships)

4. definitely write more, ...more journal entries (about ideas, thoughts, things i have seen, things i plan on seeing and doing, etc)

5. encourage and inspire others to do their best, just as i plan on doing my best at what i love

i know i can keep these resolutions, and i will make double-sure that i keep them!

-kiddo

p.s. play my electric guitar more